By The Slice: One Man’s Quest To Conquer The Pizza of Richmond -

Whimsy Worth The Wait

Words and photos by Tommy McPhail

Holy crap, pizza pirates. Since my last transmission, my frequent outings of crust-conquering have been somehow replaced with Adventure Time marathons, napping, and…well…not pizza!* I can barely remember the last time I left this apartment for some reckless cheesy abandon. Thankfully, as many a pop-punk band painstakingly reminded us this year, THE HIATUS IS OVER!

This month, I trekked to Carytown’s latest submission in the superior slice sweepstakes, Mellow Mushroom!

Flanked by three (if not more) pizza-serving establishments within four blocks, Mellow Mushroom rose from the ashes of Plan 9 Records’ flagship store this summer. Now, with Plan 9 faithfully just across the street, a juggernaut has taken root within the 804. One of only three restaurants in Virginia, tales of MM’s superior

offerings have often been traded amongst circles of crust connoisseurs. I could think of no establishment more fitting to mark my return.

Taking advantage of the menu’s many unique offerings, I sprung for a taste of three Mellow signature creations. TheMellowtereanean, a succulent pie decked with feta, grilled chicken and all sorts of yummy toppings, had the inner almost-adult in me raving. Though lacking traditional sauce, each bite had me distracted with savory overload. Then, the Kosmic Karma made me rethink my strict anti-pesto pizza philosophy by immediately upping the ante. The sauce? Superb. The crust? Hands-down a game-changer. The flaky dough complimented every aspect of the slice, a thoroughly-satisfying surprise.

As with any establishment, the real test was on the signature House Special. After all, if you’re gonna dub a pie with your own namesake, it must deliver. Period. With the credibility of an already awesome experience on the line, I plunged in headfirst. I don’t think my stomach or my mouth was ready for such a ridiculous explosion. A ridiculous amount of meat, more cheese than a 90’s commercial, and more oomph than the Baby Got Back music video, all at once? This was a definite winner.

Now, let’s level here: a large pie is a whopping $25 a pop. Mix and match options all you want, but that’s a little steep for pizza. However, even the most seasoned veteran can miraculously be quelled with just two slices. Split amongst your chummiest crew, and the voyage can be more than justified on even your most cash-strapped evenings.

Pro-Tip: show up around 4:30pm to narrowly escape both the lunch and dinner rushes. Primo seating makes a huge difference in the Carytown restaurant. Get sucked into the table next to the door, and the trample of the inevitable shopper’s stampede will make you wish you stayed home, no matter how good the service.

Burdened with glorious purpose, keeping such delicious noms down was truly the struggle. I entered, I ravenously devoured, and I was instantly full. Despite such a pleasant experience, it truly takes a superior slice to garner a perfect score with this columnist, and to that precise end, Mellow Mushroom did not deliver. My quest for 804’s perfect slice shall continue next month! Until then, pizza pirates, EXCELSIOR!

THE VERDICT:

Crustability: 3/4

Sauciness: 3/4

Cheeseification: 2/4

Dining Experience: 3/4

Overall Deliciousness Index: 3/4

Words and Photos by Tommy Dale McPhail

File Under: Desperate Times Call for Desperate Toppings

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the worst kept secrets in the collegiate world is the toll that eating out can take on both your wallet and your stomach. In attempt to minimize collateral damage, we often sacrifice the quality of our nom-related exploits to save a few bones. However, one can only swipe so many Shafer pies before the struggle becomes wholeheartedly real, and the inevitable fiscal-irresponsibility monster in all of us takes over.

Pizza pirates, I understand that times are tough, but by no means should that be an excuse to subject your selves to mediocre pizza. Regardless of your favorite toppings or stance on the Papa John’sdebate, never should you question your right to enjoy the highest caliber in America’s mealtime foodstuff of choice*. This month, despite a reasonable degree of objection, I crossed Extreme Pizza off my list in hopes that your search may too be narrowed forevermore.

Extreme Pizza corners the niche VCU market in two key ways: by being arguably the closest pizza distributor to the freshmen residence halls besides 7-11, and by staying open until 3 a.m. on the weekends.

Tucked away on the corner of Broad and Shafer, many a unknowing student may fall prey to their convenient offerings tactfully disguised by edgy branding and inviting typefaces. The interior? Clean, by even the most rudimentary standards. The service? Competent, just the same. However, I cannot stress this enough; don’t let these things fool you. Your money is better spent elsewhere.

My lunchtime hunger pangs could only be staved off for so long. Earnestly, I tried both the pepperoni (for consistent comparison purposes) and the pepperoni with green pepper. Neither slice won me over. First and foremost, by no stretch of imagination was there enough sauce. Each bite slid down my trachea a tad slower than the last. Fortunately, the cheese was perfectly average, but, unfortunately, the cheese was perfectly average. It was not enough to redeem the rest of the ‘za. The brittle crust was barely a tolerable way to round out the meal. I left the restaurant feeling much like I did after seeing Spider-Man 3 for the first time; in a rush, thoroughly unsatisfied, and in mourning for most of my self respect.

As I contend with most things I enjoy, one must suffer the bad to thoroughly enjoy the good. This was certainly the case here. Don’t fall victim to second-rate slices, no matter the flavor of the week political protest or unwarranted street opinion. Like I’ve said before, I write this column to spare you turmoil in this regard. In the grand scheme, Extreme Pizza falls flat, and nothing more should be said on the topic. You may now return to your regularly-scheduled ‘Is it Thanksgiving yet?’ programming, most definitely already in progress.

THE VERDICT:

Crustability: 1.5/4

Sauciness: 1/4

Cheeseification: 2/4

Dining Experience: Boring/4

Overall Deliciousness Index: 2/4

*This study is based on absolutely no concrete study or factual information whatsoever.